An Open Letter to the Seals of Cabrillo Beach

Dear harbor seals of Cabrillo Beach,

Gosh you are cute. Big eyes. Round face. White spots. I have always admired you — from afar. But I have boundary issues. Like, don’t touch me. Especially when I am in deep water. I had a bad experience with one of you last year, and I would really prefer you to keep your distance. I apologize to the seal I kicked today. I swear it was an accident. But don’t swim all up behind me like that! There’s plenty of room out there in the sea. And no, it is NOT your kelp bed.

I know, I’m not writing this to the dolphins. That’s because they do not touch me. They did freak me out a little bit when they surrounded us out at the buoy today, but they understand boundaries. Also, they don’t smell as bad as you, frankly. I smelt you before I saw you. Fish breath.

Seriously, I write this for your own good. If you keep coming up to swimmers — and I saw you with that other guy too! — you’re going to get relocated. I don’t want that, and neither do you.

I love all animals, including you, but let’s keep our relationship Platonic, and not physical.

Love (really),


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